Hello my darlings,
It has been a downy-dumps kind of a day … more like a downy-dumps kind of week. On the one hand, my writing seems to benefit from my misery. Last night I wrote close to 4,000 words and every one of them I really liked. I did some work with Felix, Meridith, and Pharun (because I really needed to. Pharun hadn’t put a word in edgewise since the prologue and it was already chapter 4). Felix seems to be the part of my personality that blossoms and thrives when I am in the most depressing of moods. Pharun is another who does pretty well for himself feeding off my stress. It was only when I hit a Neysa chapter that I started to fizzle out and quit for the night. But I was doing great up until then.
This song came on my Pandora today, it is one of my favorite songs to listen to when I’m writing for Felix. Of course, Pharun giggles every time he hears it.
I haven’t really been doing as much as I should by way of character sketches, but I suppose that pretty soon I will be able to do a cover reveal. I am so ready for June to end. I can’t wait to for July to get here. Something about having a birthday coming up makes that entire month automatically awesome.
So what has been going on with me lately? Funny you should ask. Which of course, I know you really didn’t, but I’m going to see if spilling my guts here lifts my spirits enough to at least motivate me to start making dinner.
First of all, there is the matter of my great-grandmother. She is on a downhill spiral and we have reached the point where everyone recognizes that she isn’t fit to live on her own. We have to check on her every day. My mamaw, mother, and I spend about 85% of our weeks now interacting with her, getting her groceries, changing her bandages, making sure she takes her medicine, and on the occasion – picking her up off the floor because the woman will just not. use. her. goddamn. walker. Of course, no one wants to send her to a nursing home, and she can’t afford live-in care. But her needs increase every day and short of one of us moving in with her (not happening) we can’t give her what she needs.
Then there is the fact that I’m starting to feel like my world is being stripped away, torn apart, and thrown into one of those trash bins that you boot onto the side of the road and let someone else take out for you. Do you ever get those feelings? A lot of my old friends are living in different worlds now and I can’t relate to them at all. So many of them are married with children (can I put this in perspective? I’m barely twenty, and the majority of them are my age / younger than I). Those who are not are still living out their teenage years until the very end … so their biggest worries are hangovers or plans for beach weekends. And then there is the Meridith Turtem in my life, the ONE person I thought could endure the years with me, the one person aside from my fiance whom I loved wholly, worshipfully, unconditionally… now that friendship is crumbling, has been … and I can’t take it. I just can’t pull myself out of this mire.
Don’t get me wrong, even though Mark and I cannot stand the majority of people we know (it concerns us too, don’t worry), we still have a select few friends who are the best in the world and who are always there to support us. I’m not trying to cry that I have no friends, I just can’t believe the friendships I have cultivated for five, 6+ years are fading away.
<cue dramatic ‘Dust in the Wind’ insert>
And of course, the more downy-dumps I feel, the crazier my makeup gets. I woke up at 1 in the afternoon, did my makeup around 3, and it still looked crazy like I was going somewhere and had somebody to impress.
In the wake of this post, Pandora starts playing Three Days Grace. At least I feel like making dinner now.
Your most adored,